My daughter has a friend. She’s very pretty. She’s single and my son is in love with her. We always tell him that he’ll marry her when he grows up. He agrees and calls her his wife. One day this girl was supposed to stay overnight at our place. When my grandson learned about it, he said he’d sleep with his wife. And then he added:
– “I hope I won’t wet the bed”.
It’s January, 29 and it’s raining. A woman’s waking sadly with a sled under her arm. There’s a kid following her who’s really upset about something. He’s weeping. The woman turns around and says,
— Alex, it’s not my fault there’s no snow on the street!
We’re having dinner with my elder son and it seems weirdly perfect (without me trying to trick him into eating), when my 4-year-old treasure asks,
— Daddy, do you remember I had to swear on your health three days ago?
— I do, sweetheart!
— How’re you feeling, Daddy?
I come home after a business trip early in the morning. I’m super tired. I haven’t slept all night. My son is awake. In a few hours I have to be at work so I go to my bedroom and try to fall asleep. I’m dozing off… I’m half-asleep… My son enters the room and starts calling for me, “Mommy, mommy… mommy, mommy!” but I’m too tired to reply.
In a while he goes, “Unavailable!”
We’re celebrating my birthday. My children and grandchildren are sitting at the table. My husband makes a toast,
— To the kindest and most beautiful woman in the world! To my wife!
My granddaughter with amazement,
— Am I your wife?
She doesn’t have a shadow of a doubt she’s the best!
8-year-old Noah’s calling his grandmother to wish her a Happy Birthday:
“Granny, Happy Birthday! Are you gonna come visit us? Granny, take your Birthday with you and come visit us!”
We bring a kitten home :
me: Look how tiny the kitty is!
Jen (4 y.o.): It’s not tiny. It’s a nano-cat!
My friends’ daughter fell sick and had fever. They always first try to fight fever by rubbing a bit of alcohol (or simply vodka) on the skin, as it evaporates and takes away some of the heat; and they resort to meds if the fever is too high. There was no vodka in the house at the time, only an old gift from some friend: a bottle of Chinese vodka with a snake “marinated” inside.
When they started rubbing this liquid on the kid, the stench that rose was so bad that the mother panicked and shouted to her husband, “Get rid of this sickly thing right now!!”
This got the little girl crying and begging, “Please, mommy, don’t get rid of me, I might still survive!”
They had to do some serious convincing later that they weren’t disposing of their kid and that they loved her dearly.
We were on vacation in Egypt. My 4-year-old Nicky became interested in a funny-looking lizard.
“What’s it called, mommy?”
“It’s a gecko, sweetie.”
“What does it eat though?”
“Oh, you know: mosquitoes and flies.”
“Oh! Let’s get Grandma one of those ‘techo’ things for her room to fight mosquitoes with technology!”
This one time, I was asleep, but I could hear my son closing in on me. So he comes up, nudges my shoulder and whispers, “Mom, mom!”
I open one of my eyes to let him know he’s got my attention. So he goes:
– Would you like to be able to turn into an bulletproof iron ball?
Damn right I would! That might just be the way to finally get some sleep around here 🙂
My son is 7, and this one time he just wouldn’t fall asleep, claiming that he’s thinking too much and that won’t let him rest.
“What are you thinking about, sweetie?”
“I’m scared, mama.”
He’s now on the verge of tears.
“When I get married, I’ll have to have a wedding, and I’ll have to dance with my wife, and I CANNOT DAAAAAANCE!”
I was explaining to my little daughter what we needed eyebrows for. But it kinda went not the way I intended.
“So, you do know what we need eyes for, right?”
“Yeah. We use eyes to see!”
“Okay, what about the nose?”
“We smell and breathe with it, and we eat and talk with our mouths!”
“Great! And what do you think we need eyebrows for, then?”
“To avoid the stupid.”
It was clear that I had no idea what she meant, so she quickly explained.
“To avoid looking stupid, you know! A face with no eyebrow looks really stupid, mom.”
My 6-year-old son and I are on our way to visit grandma.
We get stuck in traffic. I can hear my son sliding his window shut and ask him if he’s cold or something.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine, but there’s this man over there in that car – he’s sticking his tongue out at me, and I don’t want him to coz it’s bad manners, daddy, isn’t it?”
I try to cut the stranger on the road some slack.
“Oh, come on, he must be bored just like us and maybe wanting to have a bit of fun! Don’t be so uptight, you might as well show him your tongue, too!”
“Oh, but I already did! I started it all,” says this little man of high ethical standards.
My son Anthony is 5. We have a cat called Kitty, and we were planning on introducing her to a male cat by having one live with us for a while. Anthony goes:
– So, mom, is he gonna stay with us forever?
— No, we’ll have him for a while and then return him to his owner.
— Is he gonna be Kitty’s kids’ daddy?
— And then we’re giving him away?
— So how come we didn’t give my dad away after you had me??